At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
