Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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