I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
