Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
