She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
