i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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