There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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