I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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