I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I want her autograph on my taint
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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