The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Randomize
