I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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