WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
