If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
