I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
