I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize