plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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