sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
