high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
