i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
