I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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