one might say we're banned from that church
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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