i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
