she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Small penises have feelings too.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
