I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
