I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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