she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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