I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
