don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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