dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize