life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
