Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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