i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
