break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
