hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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