I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
