go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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