If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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