He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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