i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
