Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just gargled with NyQuil
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I love you. Go after that dick
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