So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
