Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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