no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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