i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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