all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
