today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
