The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
