im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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