Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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