see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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