I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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