if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
