Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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