I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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