So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
