I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I deserve to be covered in dicks
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
