good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
