You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Holy shit dude........stairs
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