We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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