In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
